Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not always a celebration....

Yesterday was K's 3rd family day....
It was difficult to go through all those photo's and such and pick some out to put on here....
K and us have been having a difficult time lately... although it has been 3 years since he joined us... he still has some difficulties.... minus the past 2 weeks... he had been sleeping with me since December.... I dont mind co-sleeping.... but his is co-sleeping out of desperation....

I remember the first time dh and I saw what we were in for.... June of 06.... we had taken E down to see K and to "officially" meet F... I didnt even spend 5 mins with E and F in 7 days... K was stuck to my hip... he didnt want me...but out of desperation I was all he had... if anyone else so much as looked at him he wasnt able to control himself... he would cry and scream for hours on end... i had to hold his hand while I was in the shower... He wouldtn sleep in bed with me...but he wouldnt sleep in the crib either.... he would take little cat naps in the sling or in the stroller... but when I needed to crash and sleep... no way... I was beaten physically and emotionally... dh and I didnt know what to do.... we knew about attachment problems... we knew about difficulties with seperation...yet when it is in your face... it is completely different... we knew he was gonna be our son... we were down there fighting for him at that time... we knew he was gonna be in our family... but the unknown was scary... what we were going through was scary....
When his foster mom came to get him (a day late I might add) I just could not handle it... I broke down and cried for hours.... was it me? was it dh? was it K? wow... how were we gonna do this???

We left... and right then we made the decision to not visit again.... it was our 4th visit with him... in the beginning of Aug we found out we were out of pgn... I was happy! I was Thrilled! I was scared! What was it gonna be like for him??? I knew he loved his foster mom... I knew he loved everyone in her family.... I knew he had to have bad memories of us.... was this right what we were doing??? really? was it right to tear him away from somewhere he was happy??? to put him through the emotional roller coaster we were about to put him through???

We did finally get our appointment for our embassy interview.. and we headed to the Grand Tikal..... a couple hours after we arrived, K and his foster mom came... he saw us and immediatly ran away... C went and got him and brought him to us....pointed at us and said "mom and dad"... that's when the screaming began.... we went up to our room... C holding him and him screaming all the way...it took her over an hour to calm him... yet if we looked at him, he started up again... I took care of some paperwork and such with the paper runner while C tried to calm him....I couldnt think about paperwork... I just wanted K to stop hurting.... all too soon...C had to leave... we asked her to stay...but we knew she couldnt as she takes care of her grandkids... they would expect her to be home when they arrived home from school... the wails that were coming out of our room when C left were surreal... I have never...and I hope to never again hear that kind of pain...
F came to visit us.... he would stay with us for 2 days... Dh got to spend some good time with him... I tried my best to do everything I could for K... I was kicked, hit, screamed at, spit at, bit, etc... He didnt want me to hold him...but he didnt want me to put him down... he didnt want to sleep with me....but he wouldnt sleep in the crib... he didnt want to eat...but he screamed when he didnt have food in front of him.... I tried so hard to keep myself calm... I didnt want to get upset...but yet... I did get upset... not mad...but it hurt me to see his little guy hurting... I still didnt know if we were doing the right thing... I knew though that C couldnt take care of him... and he was our son.... we loved him... we just didnt want him to hurt so bad....
I knew he would have a difficult transistion.... I thought I was prepared...but really... I only felt like a failure.... only on the last day in Guatemala did K even show any sign of calmness...and it was only in the stroller.... I prayed that he would be calm on the airplane...
He had a huge adversion to men... and he still does when he is feeling down... every man that even looked at him freaked him out... there are a lot of men at the airport... so of course he screamed the entire time at the airport... once he was in his carseat though he slept through the entire flight... I cried my eyes out....
We arrived in Atlanta... the moment we stepped off the plane, the screaming began again... immigration went very quickly and we were soon going through security again... of course there are male security guards... and K was having a complete meltdown... I swear... I wanted to kill all the people who kept asking me: "What's wrong with him?" not that they cared... they were just flippin nosy... I even had another mother in the hotel tell her husband she was so thankful HER son wasnt like ours... cuz ours had a serious problem... uggggggg....
Anyways... we did make it through security... and dh and I attempted to eat... we managed to eat a little and make our way to our gate... flight delayed... seriously???
K is still freaking out.... he doesnt want to be in the stroller... he keeps trying to get away from us...yet he wont allow me to let him down.... I was just trying to hang in there... dh was trying to keep calm...and here we are sitting for 3 more hours for our flight.... thankfully... the moment we were on the flight, K fell asleep.... it would be the last time he slept for more than an hour straight for the next 6 months...
We arrived home around 4am... dh and I were beyond exhausted... I tried to get K into bed... he wanted to play... we played and I finally convinced him to get in my bed... till the lights went out...
We would be deep in the trenches for around 6 months.... things gradually began to get better... things are a lot better today.... but we all have our battle scars.... K is again having problems... I have been unsuccessful in helping him... so, we are seeking outside treatment....

I'm sharing this and putting this out there for a couple of reasons...I believe in being truthful...and no...not every "homecoming" goes well.... also... it still hurts... I still have guilt.... I have guilt cuz I cant give him what he needs right now... we have come soo far.... and I know others have it a lot worse than we do...

I love him though... all my kids are special to me in their own special ways... for me though... he is especially special to me for all he and I have been through.... we continue to go through these difficult times together.... I'm glad he is our son. I'm proud of him. I also adore him. I'd do anything just to see that smile of his....

Hopefully one day he will read this... and know that he has always been loved... I know C loves him... she calls on holidays and on his birthday... she sends us letters and cards... and when we go to Guatemala she is sooo thrilled to see him.... I'm sorry he had to leave her... I'm sorry that he had to leave his mom... we dont know her situation.... but really... he started out life in an unfair position.... like all of our kids.... it just seems to affect him in a more outwardly manner...

So.... that's our family day story of how K came into our family....
Every day is better than the last.... and our love for K and our other kids continues to get stronger every day.

6 comments:

Kerri said...

I'm sorry K is having such a rough time right now. I'm glad he has you. Even though you feel like you can't give him what he needs, you aren't scared to ask for help and that is huge! Good luck working through the hard parts! (((((hugs)))))

Leslie said...

ohhhhhhhhhh Denise ihad no idea...i just cant imagine!!

I KNOW that this will pass for your family (and yes it will) but darn it why isnt it in our time? grrrrrrrr

love your Amiga in Ohio!

Taylor family: Tim, Becky, Tabitha said...

We're so sorry that K is having such a difficult time. Hang in there, it will get better.

Gardenia said...

thanks for sharing this. adoptive parents get great support from each other and hopefully, you will feel some support from all of us out here in blogosphere. the transition was not all roses for us either. I'm wondering whether K is your first -- you have great strength and love to pursue your other three children if he was the first one. Each child is a special gift with his or her own unique qualities and gifts. Bless you.

One Busy Momma said...

K is our middle son... we were already in process with F (in pgn) when K came home....

Thanks for the support everyone!

I really debated on posting this or not... It really helped me though to get this out there....

Rhonda said...

BIG BIG BIG HUGS to a very incredible and loving mommy. I too had no idea and you are so amazing and please know if there is anything we can do here to help in any way up in VA, please let us know. I am seriously so proud of you for your strength in being able to post your experience as we all know things are not always the "peaches and cream" that people want to believe or think can't happen. I am so incredibly sorry that K is having a rough time and send you lots of strength through another difficult time.
Blessings my friend, Rhonda