Thursday, June 12, 2008

Nervous Nelly

I had to tie up many loose ends today.
I hate the impending fear.
I only have 2 more hours to get two weeks worth of food eaten!
My last night of comfortable sleep for many nights.
My last night of pain free swallowing for many nights.
Tomorrow, I am losing a part of me. It's not the first time.... but I'm praying it will be the last!

Tomorrow at 9:15 est... I, am having my tonsils removed.
I know it's the right decision. I know I have had way too many infections in the past year. I know it's better that I do it now than to risk another HORRIBLE bout of strep while in law school. I know it's a routine procedure that millions of people have had. But still.... I'm just not happy about it!
I dont like going under. what's worse... I have a difficult time coming out. I dont like the loss of control. I dont like the feeling of where the tube has been. The stuffy, cotton mouth, the smell of the anesthesia, the iv's in the arm.

My last bout of strep throat.... I had to fight to swallow. I'm hoping it's not going to be worse than that. I already have chronic pain in my back.... I really dont need any more pain in my life! I'm just scared of the unknown. Too many people have told me it's the worst pain of their lives!!!! Crap.... thought i'd already experienced that when I ruptured my 3 disks in my back and dislocated my hip! If it's worse than that..... wow.....
I know pain is relative to the person experiencing it.... but since I live with pain 24/7... I have a constant reminder. I'm also one of those people who can remember pain. I can "feel" what things were like.

My mom is here... and she is going with me.... yes... I'm proud to say I'm 30... I'm scared shitless, and yes, I do need my mommy! She is going to help me.... and help dh with our kids....
I'm not allowed to pick them up till my scab falls of (10 days or so) or I risk bleeding.
Bleeding = another surgery.
NOT picking the kids up is going to bother them... and me... but I'm not risking it.
I have a freezer full of popsicles. Some sherbert. Some gatorade. A writing tablet. A bell.
Hopefully tomorrow, I will get the most important item of the week... my pain meds!
Please, please, please.... Dr's.... please read my medical file and see I am a chronic pain patient!!!!
NOT like It wasnt ALL over my pre-op!
But.... I swear... if they give me some pain meds that wouldnt knock out my baby.... someone is getting HURT! I probably wont care till Saturday... but THEN!!!! I'll write them a mean letter!

So.... if you wouldn't mind.... say a little prayer for me....
if you dont pray...then just send happy cutting thoughts to my surgeon... and easy swallowing thoughts to me!


Kerri said...

I think people like to use the "worst pain of my life" for the reaction of others. You can do this and it will be so much better afterwards.
We'll be thinking of you and hoping to get an update soon telling us how great you're doing.
Kerri and Ruby

Kathy said...

You will be fine. Just take good care of yourself and soon you will be feeling better!